


Memories

by SiriusRemusluvr



Series: Songfics [1]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-02
Updated: 2014-09-02
Packaged: 2018-02-15 20:35:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2242689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiriusRemusluvr/pseuds/SiriusRemusluvr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian has committed suicide and Mickey remembers all the times they had together with help from an unexpected party. After season 4 sometime. This is a songfic to Memories by Within Temptation. This is the first in a (unrelated to each other) series of songfics I am currently working on. Thanks and Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on the song Memories by Within Temptation. All credit goes to them! I also do not own the characters! To hear the song, here's the url to the music video on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhzJO34SCoc

_In this world you tried_

_Not leaving me alone behind_

Mickey could not get out of bed. He continued to stare at the wall, the light changing in the room as the hours fell away. He blamed himself. How could he not have seen the signs? He was always able to read Ian like a fucking book but he couldn’t see the one time it really mattered. Mickey remembered everything from the time this relationship between him and Ian began. Every time, it was Mickey who left Ian. Except that one time. Ian left for the army and Mickey finally understood why when he saw Ian in the club that first time in what felt like forever. But, he couldn’t go looking for Ian and bring him home this time. It was too late.

 

_There’s no other way_

_I pray to the Gods “Let him stay”_

When Mickey found Ian, he wasn’t prepared for it. Ian had been in the shower for about a half hour before Mickey went to go check on him. He found the water still running on Ian’s body, blood pouring from his wrists and his jugular. Mickey immediately went into panic mode and acted as if he was having an out of body experience. He couldn’t process what Ian had done and screamed at Svetlana to call the fucking ambulance.

 

But nothing could be done. Ian was gone before the ambulance reached the hospital. Mickey was by his side in the ambulance and for once showed every emotion he was feeling at that moment. Mandy had taken the liberty to notify Ian’s family. Unsurprisingly, they blamed him. Mickey was apparently unfit to take care of a recovering Ian. Ian was taking his pills daily and was a happy person day in and day out. Mickey didn’t see anything wrong with Ian. He was acting like the Ian that would come to visit Mickey in juvie that first time. Even Svetlana was sticking up for Mickey when the Gallagher clan ganged up on Mickey in the hospital not even an hour after he found Ian.

 

“We fucking trusted you, Milkovich! Ian wanted to stay with you so we didn’t fight too much but seriously?! This is on you! You killed Ian!” Lip screamed at him, tears running down his face as he screamed in Mickey’s.

 

Mickey didn’t say anything because he knew that Lip was right. This was his fault.

 

“You shut up, man-whore. Mickey do nothing wrong. Orange boy happy with Mickey. It no one’s fault. Step away or there will be two funerals instead of one,” Svetlana, who was holding Yevgeny, said calmly. She had tear streaks of make-up and had enough of these people blaming Mickey for this.

 

“Fuck you, slut! Ian would have been better at home!”

 

“How? You’re away at school and Fiona’s got her own shit to deal with. You guys wouldn’t have been able to keep an eye on him better that I did,” Mickey said, not raising his voice but it was evident he was annoyed.

 

“He should have been home with his family, Mickey. He should have been where he belongs,” Fiona said, her hair in all disarray and just looking like a madwoman in general.

 

“He was were he belonged. He was with me and he was happy when I got him better. I took him to the clinic to get him diagnosed and on medication. I made sure he took them everyday. I made sure he knew I fucking loved him every single fucking day. I don’t know why he did this any more than you do but I do know he wouldn’t want this. You can blame me all you want, but it’s not gonna make him come back. If Ian didn’t want to be with me, he would have left and I would have let him. I just want him to be happy. So fuck you. Ian loved me and he loved you guys. He was just ready to go. And you know what? So am I,” Mickey said, taking Yevgeny from Svetlana’s arms and walking down the hall, leaving the hospital and Ian forever.

 

_The memories ease the pain inside_

_Now I know why_

It’s been a year now, and thinking of Ian still hurts Mickey but he remembers all the good times, and there were quite a bit of them. Yevgeny was now a 1.5 year old and went into Mickey’s room, under the bed to get an old shoe box and lift it on the bed next to his dad.

 

“What’s this?” Mickey asked his son, smiling softly at his son’s anxious face. Mickey put his cigarette between his lips and opened the box. He almost dropped the cigarette when he looked inside. There were pictures. Pictures of him and Ian, some of just Ian, that he never knew were taken. Yevgeny made an impatient noise and Mickey turned his gaze away from the box to his son, who was reaching his arms up to be let up on the bed.

 

Mickey did as Yev wanted and his son curled at his side and kicked the box softly with his foot, moving it closer to Mickey. “Eeen,” Yev said.

 

Mickey looked at his son in shock. “You know Ian?”

 

“Eeen,” Yes said again, picking up a picture and pointing to the redhead asleep with his head on a sleeping Mickey’s shoulder.

 

Mickey didn’t even know how this was even possible. One, he didn’t even know how these pictures were taken and two, he didn’t know how they ended up under his bed. He didn’t even know they existed.

 

“How the hell did they get here?” Mickey asked out loud, not really expecting an answer.

 

“Mama,” Yev answered.

 

Mickey looked once more at his son in complete shock. “Mama did this?” Yev nodded and bumped into his dad, trying to get him to show him the pictures.

 

“Okay, tough guy. See this picture? Ian and I were fighting about him taking his medication when he gave me the black eye. This had to have been taken a couple days later. Ian must have taken it because it’s a crappy iPhone picture,” Mickey said. The picture was of Mickey and Ian lying in bed, the former sleeping deeply. Ian’s eyes were towards the camera but his lips were kissing Mickey’s temple, right where the bruise ended.

 

Mickey felt the small smile playing at his lips as he gazed at the picture. Mickey felt Yevgeny nudge him again.

 

“Alright, alright. Let’s see what else is in here.”

_All of my memories keep you near_

_In silent moments, imagine you’d be here_

_All of my memories keep you near_

_In silent whispers, silent tears_

They went through each and every picture in that box. Mickey was surprised by how many there were. It must have taken Svetlana a long time to procure all of these. About half way through, Svetlana came into the doorway and held a small smile on her face as she watched her son and Mickey bond.

 

“Mama! Eeen!” Yev said excitedly, reaching for Svetlana to come by them.

 

“Yes, Ian, Yevgeny. You like?” Svetlana asked Mickey, waving her hand at the box.

 

Mickey looked at her for a moment before nodding. “Come sit with us. Help me answer some of Yev’s questions,” Mickey said, patting the spot beside Yev.

 

Svetlana sat down on the bed and looked at the pictures with her son and ex-husband.

 

“What this one from?” Svetlana asked, holding up a picture that had half of Ian’s smiling face in the left side and had Mickey a little ways back, his hand to his mouth holding a cigarette and looking at Ian with furrowed brows. It was summer time and looked a little older.

 

Mickey smiled. “That’s when I got out of juvie the first time. Ian and I hung out after he and Mandy came and got me. We were walking around Southside, collecting money people still owed me. Ian thought it was more fun than it really was but I think he was just happy to see me without a six inch thick glass between us. I know I was happy to just be hanging out with him even though I never really showed it. This was actually the first picture taken of the both of us,” Mickey said, looking at the picture closely.

 

Svetlana patted his shoulder briefly before moving on. “This one?”

 

It was a picture of Ian and Mandy sitting in front of some house on a bench with their eyes closed and Ian’s mouth is wide open.

 

Mickey laughed out loud at that and threw his head back. “I took this! Mandy took Ian and I to this historical park somewhere an hour west from here and we hung out all day. They were just being silly all fucking day so I grabbed Ian’s phone and took a picture of them imitating someone with constipation. They acted like they were higher than a kite but we weren’t. We were just free for a little while.

 

Svetlana saw the memories swim in Mickey’s eyes along with the forever sadness she’d find there as long as he lived. Yevgeny had fallen asleep against Mickey and Svetlana tried to move him when Mickey grabbed her hand.

 

“Let him stay,” he whispered, meeting her eyes, something he rarely did.

 

She nodded and laid back down, watching Mickey continue to go through pictures and tell her stories of something she honestly did not see whenever she saw Ian and Mickey together. It was like she was seeing another side of Mickey that he only had ever maybe shown to Ian and she’d treasure this moment forever.

_Made me promise I’d try_

_To find my way back in this life_

Mickey tried to make himself okay. He made a promise to Ian after he died that he was going to be a better person than either of them ever thought possible. And he has been successful thus far. Mickey went back to high school and after only two full years, including summers, he graduated. Not a GED, but an actual High School Diploma. Ian would have been so proud.

 

When he showed Svetlana and Yev his diploma, Yev hugged him and squealed happily, obviously not knowing exactly why he was happy but it made Mickey laugh and smile back at him. Svetlana hugged him tightly.

 

“Orange boy is proud. I know it. I proud, too,” she said, keeping a hand on his back.

 

Mickey nodded to her. “Thank you.”

 

“Now, we celebrate. I round up girls and we go to bar. We even work if party happens. I buy all you drink tonight,” Svetlana said, getting up to get ready. “Get dressed, Milkovich. We take son, too.”

 

“Yes, ma’am,” Mickey waited until Svetlana was out of earshot before leaning down to Yev and whispering to him. “Whenever a girl, especially your mama, tells you to do something, you do it and say ‘yes ma’am,’ got it?”

 

“Yeah, Daddy,” Yev said before tugging Mickey with him

_Hope there is a way_

_To give me a sign you’re okay_

“I have surprise for you when we get to bar. It upstairs but I bring it down to you,” Svetlana said on the walk to the bar.

 

Mickey just nodded, carrying an excited Yevgeny.

 

When they entered the bar, Kev started shouting “CONGRATS MICK! FINALLY GRADUATED AT 20!”

 

“Fuck you, asshole,” Mickey said, smiling.

 

“Lemme buy you a drink, man.”

 

Svetlana had disappeared for a little while and right when Mickey was wondering where she was, she appeared in front of him, carrying papers.

 

“If you want, sign this. I sign already,” she said, handing him the papers.

 

It was divorce papers. He looked up at her in surprise from his place on the bar stool. “I sorry I not do this when Orange Boy alive but I know you not love me like you love him. I want you happy.”

 

Mickey looked down at the papers again and grabbed her hand, squeezing tightly. “Do you want this?”

 

Svetlana shrugged. “I want you happy. I tired of you sad.”

 

Mickey smiled and bit his lips before tearing the papers. Svetlana looked at him in amazement.

 

“I don’t mind being a family until you want to do this for you, not for me. I’m happy with the way things are right now, even if it’s without Ian. Next time you think about doing this, please thing of yourself. Not me.”

 

She smiled at him and ordered another drink for him before squeezing his hand back gently and going to find Yevgeny, who was ‘flirting’ with Veronica.

 

Mickey knew that Ian would have wanted him to move on but he wouldn’t just yet. He loved Ian too much. ‘If you’re listening, Ian, just please help me be good like I know I could be when I was with you. Make me a better father. Make me someone who you would have loved without all the shit I put you through.’

 

Just then Mickey felt a familiar weight on his shoulders, wrapping their arms around his neck from behind and kissing the side of his temple. Mickey closed his eyes for a second before turning around and wasn’t surprised when he didn’t see anyone. He smiled, despite himself. He knew Ian was still with him in that moment and that made him feel so much more alive than he ever felt before.

_Reminds me again it’s worth it all_

_So I can go home_

“Ready to go?” Svetlana asked Mickey as she packed the trunk with her things.

 

“Yeah, I gotta do something first but we’ll leave when I get back, okay?” Mickey said, shifting from one foot to the other.

 

Svetlana must have known. She put a hand on his shoulder as she walked by. “Take all time you need. We wait for you here.”

 

Mickey was taking Svetlana and Yevgeny away from the Southside. They deserved better than this kind of lifestyle. He and Ian dreamed of running away from here. Didn’t matter where because anywhere is better than Southside Chicago. Svetlana always wanted to go to New Orleans so they’d start there and planned to end up in one of the Carolina’s. Yev was so excited to go and Mickey had nothing left keeping him here.

 

“Be back soon,” he said before trudging down the street

_All of my memories keep you near_

_In silent moment, imagine you’d be here_

_All of my memories keep you near_

_In silent whispers, silent tears_

Mickey went to the Gallagher house and knocked on the front porch. Debbie answered the door and was surprised to see Mickey there at all.

 

“Hey, Mickey,” Debbie said, moving so he could come in. The rest of the Gallaghers were in the kitchen.

 

“I’m not staying long. Just thought I’d come by and say something before I left,” Mickey said upon entering the kitchen. The oldest Gallaghers looked at him with contempt.

 

Carl asked, “where you leaving to?”

 

“I’m going away. Something Ian wanted to do so I’m gonna do it for him,” Mickey answered.

 

Fiona gave him the best ‘Medusa’ look but he didn’t back down. “You have no right to speak his name or even be here right now. Get out.”

 

Mickey only smiled at her. “You know, I’m not leaving until I’ve had my say. Now I know you blame me for Ian committing suicide. That’s fine, whatever helps you sleep at night. But I didn’t put the razor in his hand or the thoughts in his head. I loved him more than I ever thought possible. I was good for him and he was good for me. But to sit here and continuously blame me for something no one could have stopped him from doing if he had his mind set on it is beneath even you guys. But I don’t hate you because Ian wouldn’t have wanted that.”

 

The Gallaghers were silent, not even looking at him anymore, except for Debbie and Carl.

 

“Are you coming back?” Debbie asked.

 

Mickey shook his head. “Nah, Yev needs to be somewhere else. He doesn’t need to grow up like the rest of us had to. Ian wanted to leave or travel at least but we wanted to wait until he was stable enough on his medication. Since he can’t come anymore, I’m gonna do it for him.”

 

He looked at Lip and Fiona. “Ian would have wanted me to come say bye even though you hate me. That’s fine. You can wallow in your hate while I’m living enough for myself and your brother. He wouldn’t have wanted you to blame me but you do what you gotta do. I ain’t gonna tell you how to grieve. Just know that I’ll be gone and you won’t have to see me anymore,” Mickey said before turning to Carl and Debbie and surprised them by giving them a hug. Mickey ruffled Liam’s head before turning and leaving the Gallagher house for the last time.

_Together in all these memories_

_I see your smile_

_All the memories I hold dear_

_Darling, you know I’ll love you till the end of time_

Mickey stood outside the abandoned building that was just his and Ian’s for the longest time. He looked around the field and remembered what transpired here.

 

With tears falling down his face, Mickey said, “I’m so sorry Ian.”

 

He poured some vodka on the ground before making the trudge up to the top of the one building. The obstacle course he and Ian set up for Ian’s ROTC training was still completely in place despite it being three years. This was where Ian egged Mickey to basically kiss him for the first time. Little did that Mickey know that he wasn’t going to have forever to kiss those lips.

 

“Always thought you were such a badass, man. I fucking miss you,” Mickey said, pouring more vodka out of the bottle and onto the floor. Mickey went down to one of the rooms and sat down. He took one swig out of the vodka bottle and wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his jacket.

 

“I’m taking Lana and Yev away from here. I want better for Yev than we ever had. He knows you. Lana’s been telling him all about you for a while now. She even went through your phone and printed out some pictures you hid from me, asshole. You always did think you were something special,” Mickey chuckled. “You were, you know? You still are. Yev comes into our room more often now just to hear stories about you. He calls you ‘Eeen.’ It’s the cutest fucking thing.”

 

Mickey bit his lip hard. “I don’t want to tell him the answer when he finally asks why you died. I can’t do that, Ian. It’s not easy. Nothing with you has ever been easy except loving you. You always made how I feel about you feel easy; like there was nothing else in the world and I would kill just to fucking see you smile again. You made getting shot twice nothing when compared to how much I fucking love you. I don’t know why you couldn’t stay here with me and I probably never will.

 

“But,” Mickey said, wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his jacket, “I know that I’ll never be able to let you go. No matter where I end up, you’ll be with me and I’ll keep trying to make myself better for Yev. There’s been no one else and there won’t be no one else because you were it for me. I’ll be okay cuz I won’t be alone. You’ll be there watching me. Watching Yev.”

 

Mickey let himself a couple of shaky breaths that turned into soft sobs before continuing. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I’d give anything just to have you back. But I gotta think of Yev. He, surprisingly, needs me and I’m going to be a hell of a lot better than any of our fathers. Yev’s gonna know what love is, what our love is. He’s gonna know it’s okay to be gay or straight. He’s gonna have everything that’s good because I know he deserves it. We deserved it to, Ian. You deserved life but you made the call to leave. And I’m gonna try to be okay with that. I love you enough to try.”

 

Mickey got up from his spot against the wall and threw the vodka bottle across the room, just like Ian did when he cornered Mickey after finding out Mickey was getting married. The thought made me smile a watery smile before running his hand through his hair and taking a deep breath.

_All of my memories keep you near_

_In silent moments, imagine you’d be here_

_All of my memories keep you near_

_In silent whispers, the silent tears_

“I love you, Ian. I’ll see ya.”

_All of my memories_


End file.
